Thoughts back to 05/26/1992

Today, 25 years ago, I lost my father. I still can’t believe it sometimes—it still seems so surreal.  But it happened 25 YEARS AGO, 25 long years have passed by and somehow, I still can’t wrap my head around it.  People always said to me “time heals everything,” but that’s not true in my case. The wound is always there, not just on this day but every day, every birthday, every father’s day, every graduation, every celebration; the good times, the bad times—I am wishing you were there next to me. I concoct a picture in my head of what it would feel like to have you next to me—to hug me, embrace me, and tell me how much you love me and how proud you are of me. Or what it would be like to have you yell at me for misbehaving, to scold me for not listening to you, to ground me because I haven’t been a good daughter. I think about how my life would be different if I knew you and if I got to grow up and share my life with you…I yearn for you, father.

The few moments I have of you are through the eyes of others—not mine. I was too young when you were taken from us to remember you but I love you so deeply and infinitely and I will forever miss you even more. I can’t talk about you without breaking down in tears, I try to be strong, I really do but sometimes I can’t hold the pain in… I let it take over me, and the sadness, the hollow feeling and the emptiness set in… I can’t shake it off. Then, I look for my brother and my sisters who completely understand what I’m feeling like no else does. They are my reason to live, they are my light during the dark times, and they are my reason for being.

I used to envy my brother because he got to spend so much time with you more than I ever will. If I feel this way not having any memories of my own, I can only imagine what my brother is feeling. Many people offer me their unsolicited advice, they advise me to let go. What does that even mean let go? They don’t know what I’m feeling that’s why they tell me to let go.  The only ones that give me strength and hope are my sisters and my brother—they know exactly how I am feeling.  Others have tried to console me by telling me he is watching us from above—I want to believe that, I truly do but I sometimes I just don’t see him, I don’t feel him watching over me. I realized that this is all made up in my head to help me cope and get by. When that happens, I lose hope and I lose faith that I will ever be reunited with you. I have a void, a hole in my chest that can never be filled. Sometimes I find myself full of hate, anger and frustration at the world, with God. I ask myself why? Why me? Why my family? But there’s never going to be an answer making it that much harder to “heal.”

Although things aren’t complete without you, you have shaped me into the woman I am today…you are my motivation, my inspiration, my driver to keep moving forward even if you’re not physically present by my side. I love you, always and forever.

Me siento perdida…

Hace mas de un año y medio escribe la siguiente entrada pero  no habia tenido la oportunidad de publicar….

¿Que hago? Me pregunto. Sé que la respuesta que busco no es una que pueda encontrar fácilmente y tampoco lo esperaba.

Como dice  la gente que es más “sabía”, “ha no te preocupes es algo pasajero.” Mientras en mi mente contemplo y me pregunto: ¿Me encuentro en una etapa o será una época?

No sabría decirlo…mejor dicho no sabría descifrarlo.  Es algo que me consume y me quita las ganas de seguir y ¿como seré capaz de enfrentar lo que viene? Sin embargo, se que tengo que seguir, pase lo que pase – como no hacerlo y dejar que todo se venga abajo y se desborone poco a poco…

Desde niña mis tías me inculcaron valores que tienen ( o deberían) ayudarme a salir de esta calamidad  o de cualquier dilema en cuyo me encuentro (tampoco estoy tan segura si es una “calamidad” ) pero como pueden ser de alguna ayuda si todo lo que hago lo dudo y todo lo que debo hacer. Lo peor es que es algo que me digo a mi misma para consolarme porque en el fondo se que merezco lo que me está pasando.

Lo que siempre resonó conmigo y en mi mente es “todo lo bueno y todo lo malo que hagas en esta tierra se te devolverá ya sea tarde o temprano”. No es un concepto nuevo o algo revolucionario…siempre ha estado ahí y cada vez que pienso hacer algo que va en contra de ese principio, paro y pienso...pero muchas veces mi conciencia no es tan fuerte para ayudarme a detenir mis acciones y despues poquito a poquito voy acostumbrarme a no escuchar a esa vocecita adentro de mi...se vuelve algo de la vida ordinaria.

Mi futuro, mi carrera, mi familia, mi amor, mis amigos, y todos los demas...

Lo unico que si se es que el tiempo no espera a nadie…

 

 

 

“War is not violence”

“War is not violence and killing, pure and simple; war is controlled violence for a purpose. The purpose of war is to support your government’s decisions b force. The purpose is never to kill the enemy just to be killing him…but to make him do what you want him to do. Not killing…but controlled and purposeful violence.”

Robert Heinlein

One of my favorite quotes…After I discovered what the military industrial complex was and I came across this quote, I think, it is a very accurate description of waging war.